While there is truth to the five stages of grief, it is not a long term solution or a formula for resolving grief. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that grief is unpredictable. Just like waves crashing on the shore, so are the emotions of grief. Unpredictable in impact, predictable in frequency. Grief can hit you in the midst of the mundane or be triggered by an important event. This past Christmas a friend of mine lost her son tragically. It was heartbreaking. No one should ever bury their child, and as a mom, it shook me to my core. What if this was my child? What if this happened to me? What if my whole world changed in a matter of minutes? You can’t help but play out the scenario’s in your own mind.
I hate to tell the Rolling Stones but they are just wrong, and they definitely aren’t parents! Time is my enemy and not on my side. Time is tricky isn’t it? Time is one of the biggest stress points in my life. I don’t have enough time. I need more time. Ugh, time is up. Dangit, I thought we were on time. Late again? Can’t I just stay on top of it? This is the inner dialogue on the daily for me being a stay at home mom. Where is the next place we have to be, how long will it take to get there, do we have everything we need, what’s the traffic like, did we pack snacks? This is why every mom’s car looks like a bomb went off.
How often do you sit in your comfort but long for adventure?
How often do you choose staying in versus meeting new friends and getting out? How often do you choose to get through your to-do list instead of going to Bible Study? How often do you choose to watch Netflix versus going on a date with your spouse or helping out your neighbor?
Today as I sat in Bible Study my friend did just that. She did the uncomfortable. When we were discussing our highs and lows for the week, she shared what was REALLY on her heart. Not the fluff of time management, kids’ projects, husbands work, etc., The real raw, the nitty gritty, the ugly, the things we desire to share but are mortified of the judgment (you know those looks of “bless her heart, she’s a hot mess.”). But out of that one person’s courage to do the uncomfortable, everyone else in our group shared the raw and the uncomfortable. No one enjoys the comfort, but without the uncomfortable, we would’ve never really understood or known our friends’ hearts.
Having an abundant life doesn’t mean living in our comfort zone.
This moment brought me back to a sermon I listened to recently about “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see the face of God.” The question is how do we live that out? How do we have a pure heart in our daily lives? He discussed how living with a pure heart means putting aside our worldly idols (things that prevent God from being number one in our life). He said all idols could be broken down into four categories: Comfort, power, control and approval. Comfort? That can’t be an idol. I mean comfort is just part of who we are, right? That was a punch to the gut, a reality check. It’s not to say that I don’t struggle with the others, but they don’t dominate quite the way comfort does.
The only way to the end result is through the hard, through the uncomfortable. Sara Soenen
Where do you long for comfort most in your life?
I long for a life of financial comfort where Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover isn’t front and center on my bookshelf. I long for comfort in my personal life, where all my relationships are easy, and there is minimal conflict (Dream world, I mean as long as your married, there’s conflict, right?). I long for comfort for my children that they would enjoy the beauty that is childhood. I long for comfort physically, to be naturally thin and to desire working out all the time. I long for my knee to be healed and not dictate my work-outs. I long for comfort in food, things like chocolate, wine, cheese, pasta, or decadent desserts. (there should be a twelve step program for chocolate addiction). I long for comfort when it comes my blog. If I want my blog to grow, I have to talk about it. It feels really awkward to talk about myself, or what my vision is for this blog. I mean really awkward. Who goes around talking about how great they are. LOL! But if I want that there must be discomfort. My life must be in a constant state of pushing forward and through the comfort zone barrier.
Comfort never got you anywhere but exactly where you are.
It boils down to is. Comfort never gets you anywhere, comforts keeps you exactly where you are at. Is that really what we want? Do we really want to stay exactly where we are at? I think all of us can say that the answer is no. Over the course of my life I have learned that out of the struggle there is so much growth, so much change. I think most of us would say that change that was a result of struggle was worth it. Do we like what brought us to that change? More than likely not. What we do like is the end result, the final product. The only way to the end result is through the hard, through the uncomfortable.
Do you struggle with choosing comfort over doing what is right, or doing what will give you your best life?
Comfort never gets you anywhere, comforts keeps you exactly where you are at. Is that really what we want? Do we really want to stay exactly where we are at? I think all of us can say that the answer is no. Over the course of my life I have learned that out of the struggle there is so much growth, so much change.
Two sermons that have taught me a lot about comfort and the power of struggle.
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Matthew 7:13-14 NIV
Have you ever shared your story and watched people, grimace, or pull away or worse pick up their phone half way through you sharing the toughest parts of your life? Yeah, I swear these people don’t think you see their reactions on their faces, or sense their defensiveness, judgment or complete shock. Somehow they believe they have a giant mask hiding their emotions, and facial expressions. No matter how many times I tell my story, my heart still beats a little faster, and my palms sweat and my anxiety creeps in not because of my story, but because of what the person listening to my story might think.
Zeke’s first day at his new school
Starting a new school, developing new friendships and sharing your story with others is intimidating and part of new social situations. Most of you don’t dream of sharing your story during lunchtime at Chick-fil-a with screaming toddlers surrounding you, but that’s the latest place that I shared my story. This time the response was much different, but it reminded me of a time when I shared my story and the response was one of judgment and fear. I’ve come to realize it’s OK to be uncomfortable or awkward when it comes to talking about your struggles with mental illness. It’s never going to be an easy conversation to have and honestly the awkwardness is usually coming from the person listening to the story, not the one telling it.
I’ve grown comfortable with my story making others uncomfortable. Between years of therapy, struggles with anxiety, and depression, loss of friends, loss of a parent, suicide and postpartum, my story is a hard one. This isn’t to say that others haven’t experienced much worse and I should be applauded, just to say it’s not like everybody else’s. It’s true that I have experienced far more than the majority of the people my age, but there are plenty that have endured more hardships and experienced things I will never understand.
For a long time what I’d been through made me uncomfortable and I found it hard to relate to my peers. Their problems either seemed completely trivial or annoyingly immature. Unfortunately, my response to my peers wasn’t always the best. Instead of just owning who I was I either judged them for being so sheltered or was aloof and looked down on them. Neither of these responses is something to be proud of, but so goes the journey of growing up and figuring things out on your own. Life skills 101.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to embrace what I have gone through, and now as time has passed I have come to enjoy lite conversation and talking about the day to happenings and “struggles.” It feels good to be able to engage in this type of conversation and that my life is currently defined by hardships. I can navigate my way through social norms much easier than I used to BUT I have definitely come to realize the value of being in relationships with people that are raw and a little “colorful.”
22 years of colorfulness with this one. This was back in the Baylor days.
My life has been colorful, full of so many left turns, more like hairpins if I’m honest, but you get the gist. We need to learn to embrace not just our journey, but how that has shaped our view of life. You can’t judge people by the hand they have been dealt. If we don’t want the judgment for who we are as a result of what we have been through, we can’t judge others for their lack of understanding about what they haven’t been through. Part of embracing who we are is being OK with not everyone understanding. We all are guilty of ignorance about certain things, and while it isn’t OK to stay there there’s no need to be angry with someone who can’t relate.
Part of taking away the stigma, is being comfortable with having tough conversations. We need to learn how to sit at the table and just listen to someone’s story. Their worldview has obviously been shaped by what they have endured or experienced. Be open to hearing their story just as you have shared yours. Part of God’s creation is that we are all different, we are unique and we are God’s masterpiece. If we are each a masterpiece than no two masterpiece’s are alike. Enjoy the creativity of God, and know that everything we’ve been through will be used for the benefit His kingdom and the comfort of those we walk through life with.
Have you had similar responses to sharing your story or am I the only one?
Fellow warrior,
Sara
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Eph. 2:10 NLT
Hi my name is Sara Soenen and I am a wife, daughter and mom to a 7 year old boy and a 5 year old little girl. My husband and I live in the great city of Austin, Texas. We love sports, traveling, cooking, our church and down time with the family.
